Calm & Warm
by listlessmonologue
Summary: Barry finally made it out of the friend zone. He is with Iris the love of his life. But lately something has been drawing him to his best friend, Caitlin. He keeps it hidden, as he is supposed to be with Iris. Danger threatens Caitlin on multiple occasions, from herself and others. Will this finally propel Barry to admit how he truly feels inside?
1. Chapter 1

Synopsis:

Barry finally made it out of the friendzone. He is with Iris the love of his life. But lately something has been drawing him to his best friend, Caitlin. He keeps it hidden, as he is supposed to be with Iris. Danger threatens Caitlin on multiple occasions, from herself and others. Will this finally propel Barry to admit how he truly feels inside?

This is a "slow burn" kind of story. I've always thought these two had awesome chemistry on the TV screen so I decided to make something up.

Barry finally made it out of the friendzone. He is with Iris the love of his life. They are happy. But lately something has been drawing him to his best friend, Caitlin. He keeps it hidden though, pushes it down to the back of his mind because he is supposed to be with Iris. Dangerous meta's threaten Caitlin and that draws him in even more. Time and time again, he has to push his feelings for he aside. He's with Iris. Nothing else matters. Little does he know; his best friend has been struggling with her own battles. She has not been dealing with her the issues the right way, has no one to really talk to and ends up turning to substances. Tragedy strikes as Caitlin has pushed herself too far, too close to death. Will this finally propel Barry to admit how he truly feels inside? Or will he continue to stuff it down in the depths of his heart?

 _Italics: setting, thought, things going through/on Barry's mind, or text messages._

Chapter 1:

 _She's SO pretty._ Barry watches her feverishly type into the computer and her eyes scan the screen up and down. He doesn't notice his own staring. His eyes trail from her perfectly manicured hands to the perfectly curled ends of her hair. He watches as she brushes her hair behind her ear. She's his best friend.

A voice echoes in the distance, causing a violent shift of his focus to the present.

"Earth to Barry! Where did you go?" It's Cisco, his other best friend trying to get his attention.

"Uh, what..sorry. I just zoned out for a while there". Barry felt the heat rushing to his cheeks immediately.

"I've been calling your name for like 5 minutes." Cisco's eyes widen as he says 5 minutes. He notices Cisco look over in the direction he was staring, at Caitlin. Barry smiles nervously at him.

Caitlin gets up from her chair and shuffles over to the boys. "Guys I think I found where our meta frequents the most, one of these places has to be where he is at. Someone come with me to go check this spot out."

She grabs her bag and flashes them a huge smile.

"I'll go but you have to go next time Barry" Cisco laughs and grabs his jacket.

"I got you." Barry forces a smile and sighs as they walk out of the cortex, annoyed at the fact he doesn't get a chance to spend some time with her.

Barry's phone pings. "Iris" it read.

He looks at the time, 4:00 o'clock.

"We don't have plans till 8:30 tonight."

 _Iris: Hey babe, don't forget we have dinner tonight. I miss you and hope you're getting a lot of work done._

Barry smiles softly at her genuine text.

 _Barry: I remember. Not too busy here so I have time to finish up some research. I miss you too, see you later._

He puts his phone down and heads into the lab.

2 hours go by, it is now around 6 and the sun was starting to fade along with Barry's energy. Barry has been in the lab running tests and going over data in regards to the meta they have to find. A yawn escapes his mouth as he reaches to pick up his cup of coffee. The words on the paper are starting to look like gibberish now. Barry rubs his eyes feverishly in an effort to regain focus.

The sound of small heels start to echo as she enters the cortex. Barry turns his attention to his friend through the glass. A slight smile brushes across his face as he watches her.

 _He's been doing this a lot lately, just the mere sight of her makes him happy. He notices the little things about her, what makes her so interesting. The light honey brown color of her eyes, not too dark, not too light. He notices the way she bites her bottom lip, the clap she does when she laughs hard at something. And that brain of hers is captivating._

She hasn't noticed him watching her from the lab. _She looked sad. And tired. Maybe she was just exhausted. They all are._

Caitlin sits down with a big sigh and immediately starts to type data into the computer. She rubs the sleep out of her eyes and reaches for something in her purse.

A text from Iris breaks his attention.

 _Iris: See you soon :)_

Barry smiles and puts his phone back down. He can't wait to see Iris, but there's a nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach. That nagging is the way he feels about Caitlin, and if he is being honest with himself, he's always felt this way. _But she's just a friend, he thinks to himself. I have Iris._ He pushes his thoughts back down where they belong. _This internal battle he has been fighting with his heart and mind has plagued him for a while now._

"Cait." Barry says as he walks out of the lab.

As he says this Caitlin jumps as she didn't know anyone else was here. Immediately, she throws her bag under the table. Barry grins widely at her, trying to not laugh.

"Barry you scared the hell out of me, warn a girl next time!" She laughs lightly and tries to hide her embarrassment.

"What're you still doing here?" She asks.

"I was just working on some of the DNA we got off out meta guy. Where's Cisco?"

"I'm so tired, so he said he would look at the rest of the places while I come back and enter this stuff into the computer, we found some people that's seen our meta guy around." She explains this to Barry and she types into the computer. She feels his eyes hovering on her.

Barry nods and sits down on the chair next to her. His eyes scan her one more time before he looks away, memorizing her details. He waits for her to say the next thing. He loves listening to her talk about anything.

"SO when we were out at the bar looking for our guy the funniest thing happened..." Caitlin begins her story, hands at their usual animation. Barry smiles at her and listens. _He could listen to her stories all day._

 _An exorbitant amount of Chinese food is being eaten by the two friends right there in the cortex. Caitlin has her feet up on Barry's legs as they laugh and eat the food out of their respective Chinese boxes. He scarfed down 3 boxes already while she was still working on the first box of chow Mein._

"Speedsters got to eat, right?" Barry says with a goofy smile.

Caitlin watches him intensely as her grin grows from ear to ear. _She loves that goofy smile._

"That they do" She says with a full mouth of food. Barry smiles back at her.

They clean up their food and rub their stomachs, full from the nights feast.

As they sit back down and get comfortable, Barry's eyes widen.

"Oh my god what time is it?" He shouts.

"Its around 9, why?" Caitlin answers as she peers down at her watch.

"Shit. Sorry Caitlin I have to go! I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay go ahead, I'll see you." She smiles at him as he speeds out of the cortex.

She throws her head back and sighs deeply as her smile disappears almost immediately. She reaches for her purse.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

Barry speeds into his apartment to see Iris sitting on the couch typing on her computer. She looks up and smiles at him. A wave of relief flooded through his body.

"Iris, I am so sorry for missing dinner" He explains, "I got caught up at STAR labs."

"I figured, just text me next time." Iris motions to her outfit as she is sitting on the couch. _She looks absolutely gorgeous._

He plops himself down on the couch next to her and sighs. Iris gives him a quick kiss on the lips and he smiles. She takes notice of the slight taste of Chinese from his breath.

"So what are you working on here babe?" He asks her shyly as he peers at her computer screen.

"Just some new article on that meta that has been parading around the city robbing and injuring people. Any updates on who the meta might be?" She asks with enthusiasm.

"Not yet, that is what we were working on for the remainder of this evening."

"We?" Iris asked with a puzzled look.

"Yeah, Cait and I." he answered with a slight curl on his lips.

Iris nodded her head and smiled. She took note of the way he said her name.

Freshly showered and ready for rest and relaxation, Barry and Iris are cuddling on the couch surfing through the channels. _They tried to do this every other night_. He kisses her head softly and takes in her scent, _a scent that he would never get tired of_. He watches her laugh at the TV.

 _She's always had an affinity to the Golden Girls for some reason and thankfully there was a marathon on tonight. He only watches it to make her happy, although the ladies were actually pretty hilarious. All previous thoughts of Caitlin drifted to the back of his mind. Iris is his girl no matter what._

"I love you" he whispered to her as she laughs a loud belly laugh.

"I love you too" she replied and he softly presses his lips to hers.

 _They spend the rest of the night like this and doze off cuddled in each other's arms._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

A loud ringing from his phone made him jump out of his sleep. He peered over to the clock.

"2:44 AM. What on earth is happening that I am needed at this hour of the morning." He sighed.

Iris shifts in her sleep, thankfully the loud alert didn't wake her up. He grabs his phone to silence the phone and his heart sinks to the bottom of his stomach as he notices what the alert was. _Cait._ He sees her SOS alert come through on his phone. "No." he says under his breath. He speeds off to her location immediately, leaving his side of the bed empty, but still warm.

 _What he saw when he got there was something he never wanted to see. He knew she would be okay because of her regenerative powers but she will still be shaken by whatever the events were that took place tonight. Maybe he should've seen her home tonight instead of speeding off to Iris._

"Cait! Can you hear me?" Barry shouted as he tries to get his unconscious friend back. He felt a lump in his throat threaten to surface.

"Caitlin, come on, please wake up."

His palm cups her face and the other hand moves the hair from in front of her face. He notices the bruise and cuts on her soft skin.

"Shit. You're freezing." He picks her up and carries her back to STAR labs.

He gets her into the bed and sets everything up as she would if he were in her position. Monitoring her vitals, he needed to get her back conscious so he could see if he she had anything wrong with her head.

" _Her powers should've kicked in by now." he thought to himself._

A soft but pained groan comes from Caitlin.

"Cait! Can you hear me? Do you know where you are?" He asks her back to back questions, eagerness in his voice.

"Mmm. Yeah Barry I hear you..." Caitlin says slowly but her eyes were still closed.

Barry grabs onto her hand in an effort to get her to open her eyes.

"Thank god you're alright."

Caitlin smiles slightly at the feeling of his hand grasping hers. The cut on her head was already healing as Barry starts to clean it up.

"Good thing Frosty in there to help you out with this, you would have definitely needed stitches." Barry gave a short chuckle.

"I must have pressed the SOS alert right before I knocked out because I don't remember you being there with me" Caitlin questioned.

"Yeah you must have, I am so glad you did." He sighs with relief.

"What were you even doing out on the street at almost 3 in the morning?" He questions her.

"I was walking home Barry, not all of us have super speed you know." She ends her joke with a bright smile directly at him.

He felt a flutter in his chest.

"Okay, have you heard of Uber? What happened out there?"

"I'm pretty sure it was the meta slash robber that we've been looking for. He saw that I had nothing on me so just attacked me instead. He didn't do much damage though because everyone else gets harmed way worse than a bump on the head."

"It is still way too dangerous for you to be doing things like this Caitlin. You must of gone Killer Frost on him though and he ran away. I'll check the security cams on that street and make sure." Barry pats her head softly.

He took a depth breath and went over to the computer to check the cameras. He watches as Caitlin passes by the camera, her head down in her phone. The man follows behind her. The meta starts glowing as he must have been saying something to her. Caitlin turns around and is immediately shocked by what she sees. Barry sees her eyes flash to ice on camera. The meta blasts her with his powers that seem to come out of his hands. _His powers seem similar to Cisco's powers_. She flies into the wall and hits the back of her head. Barry sees the white in her hair start to shine from the roots. His eyes open wide as he watches what is about to go down. The meta man grabs Caitlin by her neck and hits her across the head three times. Caitlin then grabs the man around his wrists and instantly freezes his hands. He lets go, in an apparent large amount of pain. Caitlin puts her hands out in defensive mode as frost glows around her hands. The man then turns and runs for his life. Barry sees that Caitlin's hair is starting to turn back brown as she reaches for her phone. He notices the unsteadiness in her footsteps. He sees her press the alert button before she falls unconscious.

Barry walks back toward Caitlin and watches her as she lays peacefully with her eyes closed.

"Thank god for Killer Frost!" Barry jokes.

"I guess I can thank her this time." Caitlin jokes back and rolls her eyes.

"Let me take you home." Barry says as he helps her to get off the bed.

"My hero, at it again." she giggled.

Barry smiles sweetly as he picks her up in his arms and carries her to her apartment.

"Thanks again Barry, you didn't have to do this." she smiled sadly.

"Of course I did, I wasn't going to let you out of my sight again."

Caitlin smiles awkwardly at the strong statement and opens the door to her room.

 _Her room was pretty and girly. Pink walls complemented with neutral toned furniture and a similar colored bed spread. Barry's eyes looked around the entire room._

"Here, let me help you in bed. You need to get some rest, its so late." Barry told her sternly.

"I'll try my best but I don't know if I can fall asleep right away, especially not after what happened tonight." She responds in a nervous tone.

"Turn the tv on and watch something, that always helps me to sleep faster." He sits down on the bed next to her, feeling the coldness of her body radiating against his heat.

"Put on the history channel." She jokes through a laugh. "That's sure to do the trick."

"I got you."

"Are you staying to watch some with me?"

"I can watch a little bit with you, then I'll head back to my place." He said as he was getting comfortable next to her on the bed.

They watched the Tv for about 10 minutes before he could see Caitlin's eyes drifting to sleep. _That was quick._

 _She lay on her side, facing him and had her arms curled in, almost childlike. She had moved herself closer to him in an attempt to get cozy. He sat up a little as she nudged herself next to the side of his body, nose and forehead touching the side of his torso._

He watches her for a while. Watches the breaths she takes, they almost look labored. He moves some of her soft hair from her face and feels her cold skin underneath his palm. She mumbles a little in her sleep and he smiles softly at the adorable quirk. He watches the TV for a little bit again. She wasn't moving from that position.

 _She looks so peaceful. He couldn't let anything else happen to his friend._

He noticed some little bruises on the inside of her arms as he softly rubbed them.

 _I can't believe I wasn't there to help her._


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

 _Next thing he knew it was morning and the sun was creeping through the blinds._

 _He jumps out of his sleep to see Caitlin still snuggling up next to him. His movement made her stir in her sleep._

He quickly grabs his phone and checks the time. 3 missed calls from iris. They had 20 minutes to get to STAR labs. He knows he had to tell everyone what had happened last night.

"Cait." He said softly as he softly rubbed her head. "Wake up. We are so late."

Caitlin slowly comes back to consciousness. "Hey...You're still here and it's morning." She starts to get up, but slowly.

"Yeah it looks like i fell asleep." he laughed.

"Ok. Quick shower and then we can speed to the lab." She said as she starts jogging to the bathroom.

"Can I have a toothbrush?"

"Yeah extras are in the guest bathroom, under the sink." She said as she starts to pull her shirt over her head.

Barry tried not to look but he saw the skin of her stomach.

"Ok thank you."

They arrived to STAR labs 5 minutes late. Barry speeded them right into the cortex. It was an abnormally hot day outside, he noticed a little coat of sweat on his forehead from the run over here.

Everyone was starting to gather around so they did not seem to have missed anything.

Iris walked in right after and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, looking puzzled.

 _This more than likely has to do with the fact that I disappeared last night and didn't answer any calls this morning._

"Hey guys, so last night, something happened." Barry explains to the group. He takes a step toward Caitlin who was looking down at the ground, visibly uncomfortable.

"Last night, Caitlin was attacked by the meta." Everyone looks at her with a worried face.

"I'm fine guys, I frosted out on him and he went running." She chuckles nervously and pulls her long sleeves down around her fists.

"Yeah Caitlin but so many things could have happened. We need to find him so this doesn't happen again." Cisco says to his friend. He walks up to her and gives her a hug.

"I'm glad that you are okay though."

She gives him a convincing smile.

Barry looks on as thoughts race through his mind. _We need to catch him._

Barry and Iris head home after a long day at their respective jobs.

"So Caitlin was attacked in the middle of the night last night?" Iris asks as they stepped into the apartment.

"I didn't hear from you after I realized you were gone, you could imagine my panic."

"Yeah, I got the alert at like 2 in the morning. I didn't want to wake you. You looked peaceful."

"Yes, I appreciate that but I got no text, no call, nothing to know that you were okay, and then you weren't answering my -".

"But I'm okay babe, I know I am so so sorry for worrying you. But Cait needed me immediately, it won't happen again.

"You wouldn't like it if I did that to you."

"You're right, I would be worried sick. Luckily though, I would be able to find you." He smiles nervously at her.

Iris responds to his joke with a roll of her eyes.

"If you can't be serious about this, I do not know what to tell you."

"Iris, come on, you know I had to go help her."

"I know this Barry, I am talking about after. You could have told me what was going on. It is as simple of that."

Iris walks into the bedroom and closes the door behind her.

He sighs and sits down on the couch. _She was right._

This was the end of their conversations tonight.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

 _It was the end of the week and their conversations did not exceed hello and goodbye. They would walk by each other and not say anything. And he would always be the one to try and have a normal conversation. He wanted this to change but she was also too busy or ignoring him. They would find a way to get over it. He has been trying so hard to fix everything with Iris, but getting nowhere._

 _Tonight though, it was time for their monthly STAR labs outing, time for them to go out to the clubs and have some fun. Caitlin made Barry the usual concoction that could actually get him tipsy. And they had extra reason to celebrate tonight. The meta was successfully captured. No more worrying about him attacking anyone. They could party tonight, free from his grasp. And Barry could not be more relieved about it._

Iris was coming too, hopefully this would get them out of the funk they were in this week. She looked beautiful. She had on a short dress and heels. The color was like the color of a rose. _His rose._

"Wow, Iris you look stunning." his eyes lit up as he paid her the compliment. "You're beautiful"

"Thanks Barry, you look great too." She flashes him that amazing smile of hers.

"Let's get going." he grabs her hand and leads her out the door.

"This should be interesting..." she says as they walk out the door.

 _The club lights were blinding as they walked in. People were everywhere, dancing and getting drunk. They pushed through the crowd to find their friends in the VIP section. There they were. Cisco, Gypsy, Harry, Wally, Jesse, Ralph, Felicity, Oliver and some of Iris's friends from work._

 _He notices the one person who hasn't gotten here yet._

 _Big hugs and hellos were shared among the people there._

 _Drinks were pouring and music was pumping. everyone was having a great time. The boys were posted up, drinking, while the girls were having a great time dancing on the floor. They had been there for more than 2 hours and everyone was very tipsy, or even drunk, at this point._

Barry pulls out his phone.

 _Barry: Hey, where are you? we're having fun but missing someone. :)_

He received an immediate response.

 _Caitlin: I'm walking in, see you soon. Had to be fashionably late, you know._

 _Barry smiles to himself as he searches the packed club for his friend._

 _He finally spots her through the crowd and motions to her to join them._

 _His chest feels heavy as she walks towards them. She has on a simple, black fitted dress that went a little past her knees and a leather jacket to go over. Simple, yet still sexy. Subtle makeup and her hair out with a part down the middle ties everything together beautifully. She looked like walking poetry._

"Hey everyone!" She smiles and starts passing out hugs.

When she got to Barry she pauses, noticing an unfamiliar look in his eyes.

"Hey Barr, sorry I kept you waiting"

"Hi. you made it." he smiles at her as he was finally able to speak.

"I did I did, you having fun so far?" She leans in so he could hear her over the music.

He feels her coldness grow closer to him, causing goosebumps to form at the back of his neck.

"I am. Better that you are able to join us now! Get some drinks!"

"You don't have to tell me twice." she laughs with him.

He watches her smile and fails to stop looking at her since he saw her.

 _This wasn't the first time they've been dressed up and out so he doesn't understand why he is so taken aback by her tonight._

She slugs 5 shots back to back. _A little out of character..._

"Caitlin slow down!" He shoots her a worried laugh.

"I gotta catch up don't I!"

Barry and Cisco shoot each other a strange look.

"Come one Barry, take a shot with me." She pours them another shot.

Without saying anything he grabs his special concoction and slugs back a shot with his friend. He was already tipsy but that definitely sent him more into the drunk side.

"I'm going to the bathroom." She walks away and grabs Felicity on her way down.

"What was all of that drinking about? She took 5 shots in less than 2 minutes." Cisco asks out of concern.

"I don't know, maybe she just wants to loosen up a little more than usual?"

Iris walks up to him and plants a big kiss on his lips. She deepened the kiss further as he attempted to pull away to look at her.

"Okay you two, get a room!" Cisco shouts.

After they pulled away Iris leaned into his ear and says, "Some of the girls and I are going to head to a different spot."

"Okay, I can leave with you." Barry suggests.

"Not to worry babe, Linda is going to have all of us stay the night at her place."

Barry smiles softly. "Okay that sounds good. Let me know when you guys get in safely."

"I will."

 _A quick kiss on his lips and the CCN girls were off. He watched his girl head out and smiles to himself._

Caitlin and felicity were back and noticed the girls were gone.

"They went to a different club." Barry explains to them and shrugs.

Felicity says okay and scurries over to go dance with Oliver.

Caitlin put her hand on Barry's shoulder.

"Loosen up Barry, we don't get to do this often!"

"You're right, but shouldn't you slow down a little?" He asks as he saw her reaching for another shot.

"Why? we've got t..to just live it how we live!"

"What?"

"Sometimes we got...to just.. live life Barry , come on" she tries to explain herself but still wasn't making much sense.

He grabs the drink out of her hand and looks her in the face.

"Caitlin, are you ok?" Barry grabs her face and tries to study her eyes.

"I'm great! I feel like I'm flying. Nothing can touch me now. No one can get me" she threw her arms around his neck.

"Do you want to dance with me?"

"Caitlin look at me.." _She is way too gone to be here right now._

He shoots Cisco a look of worry and Cisco gives him the same look right back. Cisco nods at him and Barry nods right back.

 _Time to take her home._

 _Just like that, Barry speeds them both out of there and up to her apartment._

 _Caitlin was cheering when they stopped._

"Wow that was so fun let's do it again!" She shouts.

"Shhh Cait, you're too loud we're still in the hall, where are your keys?"

"Probably in my bag Mr. Grumpy "

She fumbles through her purse, swaying from side to side.

"Here!" she throws the keys at him.

He speeds them into her room and quickly gets her changed into something comfortable. Respecting her boundaries of course and not looking at her perfect body even though he wants to.

"My hero, always saving me." She kisses him on the cheek.

"Caitlin you should eat something."

"I'm not hungry don't you know I don't eat much anymore."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not hungry, duh Barry!"

She heads to the bathroom, laughing loudly. He looks at her with a blank expression.

 _He's seen Caitlin drunk before but never like this. He wanted to laugh with her at the jokes she was making but she was so gone she wasn't really making any sense._

"Caitlin, you okay in there?" It took a while for her to answer.

"Yeahhh...Barry im gooood." She says in a noticeably sluggish tone.

"I'm cooking you some eggs and toast, so come out and eat it."

"I'll be there in a FLASH!" She laughs loudly at her own joke.

 _So corny._

He smiles softly to himself.

He hears the toilet flush and the sink running. He leans on the wall that was next to the bathroom door and waits for her to get out.

She opens the door slowly.

"I'm here Barry, Where'd you go?"

"I'm right here."

Caitlin jumps back, not expecting him to be standing right there. "Woah, you scared me."

"I've been outside the door, you heard me." He squints his eyes at her.

"Oh, you were, weren't you?"

She stumbles out of the bathroom and he catches her.

"You okay?"

"Yeah yeah yeah."

He notices her trying to focus her eyes on things in front of her.

"Caitlin, are you okay, seriously?"

"Yes." she responds sharply.

"You can't even stand up."

He cups her face in his hands.

"Look at me...What is going on with you? How'd you get so drunk?"

He watches her face as her eyes to focus on his. Her eyes were glazing over and barely opening. It was almost as if her eyes were rolling in the back of her head.

"Caitlin!" he says in a louder, sterner voice.

He could see her eyes trying to open and focus on him. But she wasn't saying anything back to him.

He grabs her wrist to feel for her heart rate, noticing that her pulse was very weak.

Barry walks her to the couch and sits her down, still feeling for strength in her pulse.

"Hey! Cait! Can you hear me?" He watches her carefully as she seemed like she was passing out on him. Her eyes start closing and it seemed as though as she was nodding off to sleep.

"Cait, say something to me!" His voice grew evidently more worried. His mind starts racing, trying to figure out what could be wrong with his friend.

He opens her eyes and got a little light to check her pupils.

 _Constricted pupils..._

He also takes notice of her shallow breathing.

"Caitlin..." he sighs.

"Say something to me, please. Did you take something?"

Her eyes started opening slowly.

"Caitlin you need to tell me, did you take something?" He says a little louder.

She mumbles something that didn't even sounds like English.

He speed checked all around her apartment. He couldn't find anything.

Her breathing starts to get very labored. He checks her pulse again.

 _Weak._

He notices her purse in the bathroom.

He slowly walks over to it, sacred to even go through it and see something he didn't like.

He shifted through the purse and found _a lighter, tin foil, and a syringe._ His stomach dropped, it almost felt like he stopped breathing _. Prescription pills in a bottle. Xanax._

 _What the hell, Caitlin._ He runs his hand through his hair.

He scoops her up and runs over to STAR labs immediately.

 _He was panicking so much that called HR to come help him with this. HR promised to keep it between them._

 _Caitlin had passed out completely on the way over._

He looks at her arm and saw the marks that he thought were bruises on her forearms the other night.

He holds his face in his palms and prayed to God she got a chance to explain why this was happening.

"HR, please help her." He gasps at him.

HR administered the counteractive drug to hopefully wake her up.

Barry texted Iris that he would be helping Caitlin with something for a little while.

 _I should've been here for her, I've been so focused on Iris, and other things...I've been missing the signs that something is wrong with Cait. What is she going through? Why did she go this route? Why didn't she reach out to me? I'm so sorry Caitlin, this will never happen again. Please just open those eyes. Let me see those beautiful eyes. Please._


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

 _Morning came and the lab was closed for the day. Barry spent the night there looking after Caitlin. Thankfully she woke up, but she was mostly asleep for the remainder of the night. She was more than likely trying to avoid any conversation about what she had done to herself the night before. Barry was watching her sleep and softly rubbed her cheek with his palm. Her eyes slowly opened and he immediately saw panic in her eyes. He handed her a bucket and helped her sit up._

"It's from the meds HR gave you, it counteracted whatever was in your body immediately. The come down is going to be fast and hard." He explains.

He rubs her back softly as she threw up into the bucket for the 5th time since last night.

"It's ok just let it out."

He continues to rub her back and starts searching her arms, counting the little bruises.

He rubs small circles on her back, feeling her shaking underneath his touch as she threw up whatever demons are inside of her.

"Here, drink some water Cait."

Her body suddenly relaxed as she heard her name come out of his mouth.

"I don't want you to see me like this Barry." She says, reaching for her toothbrush and water.

"Like what? You scared the shit out of me Caitlin, I'm not leaving your side so you will have to deal with it."

She spits out her toothpaste and washes her mouth into the bucket.

"I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say."

He takes the bucket from her and watches her carefully.

"What were you thinking?" he asks her patiently.

The tears start to form in her pretty, honey brown eyes. She releases a big sigh.

"Barry, there's a lot of things you don't know..."

"Well, I'm listening." He watches her, feeling as though he could cry at any moment. _He knows he hasn't really been there for her properly as he's been wrapped up in love with Iris._

"I don't really want to talk about it..."

"I need you to talk about it Cait, I am so sorry that you felt like you had to do this...I-I should have been there for you. I am so sorry." The tears in his eyes fall over his eyelashes.

"This is not your fault...I just, I don't know. I have been dealing with everything the wrong way. But I felt lost. I need to get away from what I am feeling, what I am remembering, and I guess this was the best way to do it at the time."

"How long has this been going on for?"

"Probably a couple of months now."

"Does it help you?

"It helps in the moment. I guess." She wipes a tear from her eye.

"I am so sorry Caitlin. You can't do this anymore. Please just talk to me."

"It is a way for me to cope. With the memory of Ronnie, the memory of losing people I love the most in the world. I never told anyone this but Jay, he really traumatized me when he had me kidnapped. I keep seeing flashes of him in as Zoom. The voice. The things he would say. He hurt me, broke me down to the core and I didn't know what else to do, or how else to deal with that pain. I guess it was a form of PTSD. He would literally haunt me 24/7. I couldn't get away from him. But when I started with this stuff, it helped for a couple of hours."

"You could have talked to me."

"Barry, I really didn't want to bother you with my problems, you already have so much on your plate. You didn't need my issues on your shoulders too."

Barry could actually feel his heart break inside of his chest.

"Please never do this again Caitlin, I'm begging you. I have never been so scared in my life." He explains with tears running down his face.

She swipes a finger under his eyes to wipe his tears.

"I'm sorry. I will try." she said in an almost whisper.

"Please. I will help you. You talk to me." He says sternly but in a shaky voice.

He grabs her face in both of his hands and presses his forehead softly to hers. He feels her breath on his face as it turns into heavy breathing.

She suddenly starts to cry harder in his hands. He kisses her forehead softly and pulls her closer to his chest.

Wrapping his arms around her shaking body, he says "You're my best friend Cait, I can't lose you."

She sobs into his chest until she falls back to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

After a long conversation with HR about Caitlin's condition, Barry picks up the phone to call Iris.

"Hey babe."

"Barry, is everything okay? I haven't heard from you..."

"Yeah, everything is okay now. Something happened with Caitlin. It's nice to hear your voice.

"Is she okay? What happened?"

"Um, she will be okay, she's going through a lot right now."

"Is she hurt?"

"Um, not physically."

"Wow, I hope she feels better. What happened to her?"

"She's just trying to deal with things and not going about it in the best way for her health."

"Vague. But I hope that she feels better soon. Will you be there much longer? I wanted to snuggle up on the couch tonight."

"I'll let you know babe, snuggling sounds great right now." Barry smiles at the thought.

"Let me know, I miss you. I'm sorry about that argument we had."

"No, I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry for all of this. I have to go check on Caitlin now. I will see you later."

"Okay. I love you too."

Barry rubs his face and lets out a big yawn.

He slumps down in his chair and puts his feet up. Soon, he starts dozing off.

The faint sound of liquid hitting the floor startles him as he was drifting off into slumber. He turns around to see Caitlin bent over the bed while throwing up.

He sped over to her to hold her hair back and rub soft circles on her lower back.

"It's okay Cait, just get it all out and you will feel better."

"I'm so…sorry Barry." She says in between regurgitating.

"You should probably try and eat something after this."

"I can't even think about food right now."

"I know but you need get something in your stomach. I'll get you some crackers or something dry to ease your nausea."

Within seconds Barry was back with the crackers. He pulls some out of the box and handed it to her.

"How are you feeling? He softly brushed some of her hair behind her ear.

He watches her face as she slowly nibbled on her cracker.

 _She is really so beautiful…Even like this...she was gorgeous._

"I'm okay, just a little achey. The crackers are actually helping though."

He nods in agreement with her.

"We need to talk more about what is on your mind, Cait." Barry ran his hands through his disheveled hair.

Caitlin immediately starts to tear up.

"I'm not trying to upset you, "I just want you to talk about things instead of turning to...drugs."

He slowly grabs her hand and rubs the palm of her hand with his thumb. He wants to give her some sort of comfort while talking about this without suffocating her.

"It mostly the stuff that I said before...Jay...the things he said and did...It's just...I get flashbacks Barry. Not good ones. He would hit me, and call me names. Next thing you know, he is professing his love for me. And then hitting me again. It was...mentally exhausting." Her voice broke as she started crying into her hands.

"Cait, I know…I am so sorry you had to go through all of that and I was not really there for you. Especially after he returned you." He rubbed her back as she cried into her hands. Feeling terrible, he got up on the bed with her and pulled her into his chest. He could feel her shaking and her tears were slowly soaking into his t-shirt. She had a hold on his shirt and she sobbed relentlessly into his body.

"It's okay Cait, I'm here. Jay is not here. He can't hurt you anymore. I won't let it happen."

He squeezes her tight to his chest as he said the words he should have said months ago. Tears started forming in his eyes listening to his best friend cry. He felt her squeeze him back, clinging to him.

"I'm sorry for breaking down like this, Barry." Caitlin says through broken cries.

"Let it all out Cait, all of it." He rubbed her head as she cried more in his arms. Slowly the sobs started to slow down and fade.

"Are you feeling any better?" He asks her softly while rubbing small shapes on her shivering back.

She nods slightly.

"Okay, just rest Cait. I got you."

He moves around so she could lay on top of him fully when he notices she was drifting off into sleep. She wraps her arm around him and grabs back onto his shirt. Her leg wraps over his legs and she fit perfectly underneath his chin. He kisses her head and gives her one last squeeze before she fell into her much needed slumber. He comforts her by rubbing her back as he always did, making sure to do it softly as she was easily woken up. He takes a deep breath and closed his eyes. _I am so glad that she is okay. It all would have been my fault. All of it._

He looks down at her sleeping face and studies it.

 _Her nose was red from crying and her cheeks were still wet from her tears. He passed his thumb over her cheeks softly to wipe them for her._

 _I will save you this time, Cait._


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8:

 _The next morning came. HR told everyone to take the day off. He informed Cisco of what was going on and he rushed over to his friends immediately._

"Barry!" Cisco shouts breathlessly, running through the cortex.

"Shhhh." Barry hushes Cisco before his voice wakes up their sleeping friend.

Cisco was so worried he ignores barry and runs right over to Caitlin's sleeping body.

"What the hell happened?" Cisco asks, touching her cold hand softly.

"After I took her home from the club, I thought she was just drunk. But when we got home, she couldn't stand up on her own, and she seemed to be almost passing out on herself. Eyes rolling back, everything. Shallow breathing, constricted pupils." Barry explained.

"Wait, but Barry, that's signs of... "Cisco's voice trails off as he looks at his friend in horror.

"I know." Barry agrees with Cisco's unspoken words.

Cisco's face grows weary as he watches his damaged friend sleep. "Why?"

"I think it has to do with what Jay did to her when he had her."

"But…she didn't say anything to anyone..."

"You know Cait, always wants to be strong for everyone. It is what she is used to."

Cisco turns away from her sleeping frame and looks out into the cortex.

Barry put his hand on Cisco's shoulder.

"We will get her though this Cisco."

Cisco nods slowly, staying silent.

"She's our best friend, Barry. We weren't there for her."

"I know, but she doesn't blame us. I feel like absolute shit about it. I was so focused on other things."

Barry was growing in anger and he went out into the cortex. He punches the table so hard that his knuckles immediately bruised.

His memory flashes to images of her face. _Picturing her laughing, picturing her sleeping on him. Feeling his palm sweep the forever cold temperature of her skin. Seeing the crinkle in her nose when she's making fun of someone. The way her eyes widen when she's focused on something_. _If I could run back in time to fix this._ Cisco says something to pull him out of his flashbacks.

"I see the way you look at her, you know."

Barry looks at Cisco with wide eyes.

"What?" Barry runs his hands through his hair.

"You don't have to deny it, dude. You literally look at her like she walks on water."

"Cisco...I-I don't know what you're talking about." Barry chuckles nervously in an attempt to be aloof.

"You can be honest Barry, it is just me. It's me." Cisco smiles a comforting smile

 _Barry's internal battle had him struggling to even say anything back to his friend. He has never said anything like this out loud before. He has always kept these kinds of thoughts to himself._

"Cisco. I can't." Barry is visibly uncomfortable and shifts in place.

"I'm not going to tell anyone Barry, if I haven't by now, I won't."

Barry gulps hard.

"You have feelings for her. You do. You're not the best at hiding it." Cisco told Barry.

"God." Barry put his hands on the table and let go of a breath he seemed to be holding.

"Do you think she notices?" Barry asks desperately.

"I don't think so. She never said anything to me. But I notice though. I notice the way you stare at her when she's not looking, the way her smile makes you catch your breath a little, and even the way you have to catch yourself because Iris is there too." Cisco smiles nervously at his friend.

"I don't know what to do. I love Iris so much, I always have. _We are meant to be,_ Cisco. Something about Caitlin just grips me though." His head turns toward her sleeping body.

"When she looks at me with those eyes, like you said...it feels like my heart stops. I always find myself making excuses to be around her, hearing her voice and seeing her smile. Iris is my world though, but almost losing Caitlin recently...I couldn't live with that." Barry tries to explain his scattered thoughts to his friend.

"Do you hear yourself? You love Iris, but Cait makes your heart stop."

"I'm supposed to be with Iris."

"How do you know that? Because of a holographic paper from the future?"

Barry sighed. "I do love her Cisco, that girl is my world."

"You keep saying that. But look at where you are." He motions over to Catlin.

"Do you think I should end it with Iris?" Barry asks tentatively, feeling sick at the thought.

 _No. I can't do that._

"Barry, I think you should follow your heart. You can't just be with someone because you have this idea that you two are meant to be."

"But I don't even know if she feels the same way. She sees me as her friend."

"You've escaped the friendzone before." Cisco laughs.

Barry smiles and drifts off into thought.

"What am I going to do?" he whispers out loud. _Continue this internal pondering of my reasons, to be or not to be? Continue to be stuck between this engulfing, engrossing feeling of complete adoration and admiration? Continue to notice the little things about the way she walks, or the way she talks? Continue to obsess over how the layers in her hair perfectly brush her chin? How about her revered honey gaze from her eyes that overruns me with warmth? Or, I could just tell her...He ran his fingers through his messy hair in an attempt to rake a decision out of his mind._


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9:

Barry stayed at STAR labs with Caitlin for a couple of days. She was finally able to head home. She would struggle with not wanting to slip back into her routine of avoidance, so he would be checking in on her all of the time. He has barely heard from Iris lately unless it was her asking where he was. But one evening he was going to try and surprise her with flowers and other romantic things despite his admission to Cisco earlier in the week. He would continue to ignore the feelings he had in regards to Caitlin. He loved Iris and she loved him, he wasn't going to throw it away.

Walking into the hallway, something felt off. There was a strange, different vibe in the air. He senses that something was different about the aura surrounding him. He had a bad feeling deep down in his chest. _Something bad was going to happen tonight. Or something bad was happening in his apartment._ He had to save and protect Iris from whatever was happening.

Quietly, he approaches his door. Turning the key, he pushes the door open slightly. He sees them standing in the living room. Iris's hand was on his cheek and his palm covered her hand. They leaned in. Before he could see any more, he slowly closes the door. Leaning on the wall in the hall of the apartment, he felt his blood start to boil and the tears well up in his eyes. He couldn't believe his eyes. He hears the door opening and he flashes around the corner. The guy was tall, had a chiseled jaw, and he was dressed in a handsome suit. He leans his head back against the wall.

He took a deep breath and slowly started walking over to his door again. He opens the door to see Iris sitting on the couch.

"Hey babe! You're home!"

When he didn't answer her that's when she finally looked up.

He stood in front of her with a blank expression and tears were starting to well up in his eyes.

"What ha…" She stops herself before she even finished her question.

"Who was that?"

"Barry..."

"Who was it?" he asks her again. He drops the flowers he has in his hand on the floor by his feet.

Words fail Iris.

"I saw the two of you. I saw you." Barry starts to get angrier.

"I-I'm so sorry." Iris starts to unravel in front of him.

"How could you do this to us, Iris? I love you."

"Barry, I just- I - You were so caught up with Caitlin."

"Don't even give me that bullshit excuse. It hasn't been that long that she has been sick. How could you do this?"

Iris doesn't say anything but gets up to walk toward him.

She grabs his hand and felt it shaking with rage. Ripping his hand away from hers, he left her palm cold.

He speeds to the bedroom and packs a bag up to take to Cisco's.

"Where are you going?"

"Away. Away from this place. This apartment full of lies and...and betrayal."

"Barry, we can work on this, talk about this some more. I am so sorry" By this time Iris was screaming and bawling, trying to get him to listen to her.

"Stop." Barry speeds to the front door and turns around to look at Iris. Tears in both of their eyes. He held her face in his palm for another second before he shook his head and flashed out of the apartment.

He ran and ran and ran until he ended up at Cisco's place. He knocked at the door. He was totally disheveled as his world pretty much just fell apart in front of his face.

Cisco opened the door and his face fell as soon as he saw his friend.

"What happened Barry? Is it Cait?" He says as he was letting him inside the door.

"Iris. She cheated on me." Barry drops his belongings on the floor and drops to his knees.

"What. Oh shit, Barry I'm so sorry dude." he puts his hand on Barry's shoulder. "You can take the guest bed. "How could she do that..." Cisco whispers underneath his breath.

Cisco's phone received a text.

 _Iris: Cisco, I know you probably don't want to talk to me. But is Barry there with you?_

Cisco rolls his eyes at the text and put his phone down.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10:

 _For the next couple of days, or maybe it had been weeks, Barry had not been keeping track, he was torn up. Cisco tried to get him out of his funk but nothing was working. Barry had missed calls and texts from Iris, Joe, and Wally. And in his usual dramatic fashion, Cisco ensured them that he was okay but needed time to deal with the ultimate betrayal. Cisco went over to check on Caitlin and left Barry alone to wallow some more. He threw Barry's cell phone next to him._

As Barry was staring at the TV screen but not really watching what as on, he hears his cell phone alert go off.

"No, whoever is in trouble will have to wait. Flash is off duty." He says out loud. He glances down at the alert on his phone and realized it said SOS from Cisco.

He calls Cisco immediately.

"Barry, get over here quick! I think she did it again. She won't open her bedroom door."

"Shit." Barry instantly ran over there.

He sees Cisco banging on her bedroom door.

"Cait, open up, can you hear me ?!" He yells through the door. Cisco starts to tear up a little. "Caitlin…" Cisco sounded like he almost whining.

Barry puts his hand on the door and phases through it. He sees her laying on the bed, looking like she's trying to keep herself awake.

He runs up to her and hold her in his arms. "Cait, what did you do?" She looks up at him and smiles. Her hand moves across his cheek softly.

He sits behind her and holds her in front of him.

"Cait!" Barry says a little louder.

"What Barry..." she says slowly as she starts to nod off on herself.

He moves around from behind her to feel her pulse. It was slow and barely there.

He pulls her close to his chest and feels that her breathing was starting to get shallow and labored.

"Cait, why do you keep doing this, we can't do any of this without you. I can't."

In her unstable state, Caitlin smiles.

Barry let Cisco into the room. Cisco runs in and sees Caitlin's state. He immediately feels for her pulse. His eyes widen as shot Barry a look of instant worry.

She starts saying something under her breath that made no sense as her eyes were closing slowly.

Barry ran to the lab, got the meds HR used on her last time and ran back to her apartment. He gave her the shot of medicine in her leg.

"Owww…" slowly escapes from her mouth. She seems to pep right back up. Looking around she realized what had went on. Tears instantly fill her eyes.

 _The boys had an instant rush of relief._

"What're you guys doing here?" She asks them softly. Cisco looks down at his phone.

"Um, Barry. I have to go meet Gypsy. Can you handle this?" Cisco asked.

Barry nodded at him. "Is everything ok?"

"I... don't know."

"Okay just go." Barry motions to the door.

"Will she be okay?" Cisco asks as he was hesitant to start walking away.

"Yeah. She'll be okay."

Cisco kisses Caitlin's forehead softly.

"I love you, Caity. Please stop this. You're scaring me." He whispers in her ear.

Caitlin didn't even look up as tears fell from her cheeks.

Cisco opens a breach and tends to his matter with Gypsy.

"Barry...I- I don't want to talk about it right now."

The medicine makes her really nauseous. Grabbing the trash can, she expels her darkness into there.

He wipes her mouth with a towel and pushes back her hair from her face.

"Did he appear to you again?"

She nods slowly at him.

"Caitlin, please just talk to me."

"What do you even care? It's not like it matters to you." Her eyes start to flash that familiar icy blue color.

"Of course, I care."

"No Barry, no one else exists to you when you have Iris, when you have to be with Iris, who cares about other people's lives. Especially when they claim to be your friend. Forget about it."

"You don't mean that Cait." He stands up and leans on the wall. She follows him over to the wall.

"You can just say you don't care Barry. There's no need to lie to me."

"I care about everything that happens to you." He looks at her with those pleading eyes.

"I don't believe you"

He grabs her by the arms and pushes her against the wall in her room, not knowing how else to get through to her.

"Caitlin, you can't do this to us. I can't do it, any of this, without you. You always pull me up when I'm down, let me help you. Please stop, just find an outlet with me."

She examines his face, noting that he looks genuinely frightened.

"We need you, we are all here for you. Please want to get better." He presses his forehead to hers as he feels the tears attempting to surface from his eyes. The knot in his throat grows rapidly.

"I am so serious Caitlin, I can't. I need you to be here." He tells her in a whisper. Her eyes return to honey.

Moving out of his grasp, she walks toward the bed. She reaches for the syringe. He watches her carefully to see what she was doing with that needle.

"Cait...please." He pleads with her again, in an even more desperate tone.

She turns around to hand him the needle slowly. She walks over to her dresser to grabbed the pills sitting on top of it and hands those to Barry as well.

He grabs it from her hand and watches her face intently. Slowly her face crumbles into sadness. Caitlin lets out a huge sob and almost falls over but Barry catches her and brings her down to the ground softly, along with himself. With her sobbing in his arms he holds her tight to his chest.

"I'm so sorry Cait. I'm so sorry." He repeats this over and over in a brave attempt to soothe her. 45 minutes of crying. 45 minutes of Barry letting her get all the pent up emotions out.

Later, they were still sitting on the floor. His back against the end of her bed, she was cuddling into his chest in front of him. Barry takes in her scent as he feels her body shake against his. Rubbing her lower back to soothe her like he always did, it's pure silence. _Maybe talking about something other than this will help ease her mind._

"Iris cheated on me."

Caitlin looks up and him with confused eyes.

He nods slowly, looking down at her face.

"What? She told you this?"

"She didn't have to...I - I saw them, in my apartment and they were about to kiss each other."

Caitlin stays silent, taking it all in.

"I confronted her right after I saw, after he left."

His breath catching in his chest, he continues

"She didn't know that I was coming home that night. She didn't even deny it. Just tried to blame lack of attention."

"I'm so sorry Barry, I don't even know what to say to that. She seemed to really love you."

"Yeah, it just feels like betrayal honestly. I guess I'm sort of numb to it at this point." Barry sighs deeply and gives Caitlin a broken smile to let her know that he will be okay. _Eventually_.

"I'm sorry that you had to deal with all my shit on top of that." She looks up at him with desperate eyes.

"I would have dealt with anything regarding you no matter what."

He examines her eyes. Barry sees the pain that she's hiding behind them and all he wants to do is take that pain away from her. She shoots him a soft smile, but he reads right through it. _Don't hide it from me, Cait._ He brings his hand to her check and softly brushes his thumb against it. His heart was fluttering again.

Barry slowly leans down and brings his lips inches away from hers. She hesitates slightly but eventually meets his lips. _They knew they were using each other for the moment. They needed, wanted to forget about everything else. The instant their lips touched Barry felt at ease. It felt like electricity ran through their bodies._ The kiss is tender and short, almost like an overdone peck, light as a feather. Pulling away, he looked at her face, making sure he didn't do something she didn't want him to do. He notices that her eyes were softer and wandering across the length of his face. She lands on his mouth and he slowly leans back in to continue. She sits up so they can have the proper angle to their kiss.

Facing each other, his hand moves perfectly to her neck to pull her in closer to him. He parts his lips in the hopes that she returns his slight demand. _No words needed to be spoken. Her soft, pouty lips felt like heaven to him. His stomach dropped and his heart fluttered. She tasted like flowers._

Their breathing grows more intense and labored. He moves his hand into her hair, giving him access to angles to deepen and perfect the kiss.

She moans slightly into his mouth as their tongues found one another.

 _His head felt fuzzy, almost as if his thoughts turned to white noise._ His skin grew warmer. He slides her onto his lap ever so smoothly. _She fit on him perfectly._ _This position gave him the opportunity to tilt her head back in angle that gave him access to her neck._ He places soft kisses on her neck and throat as he felt her breath catch with each kiss. She returns the favor. He feels the hairs all over his body raise as she sends chills down his spine when her lips brush the sensitive skin on his neck. Barry, getting caught up in the moment, feels himself getting hard underneath her body.

Their bodies are so close. It is almost as if she was clinging to him for his heat. And he lets her. They stop kissing in an effort to catch their breath. Foreheads pressed together, he removes his hand from her hair and places it firmly on her behind, pushing her up and closer to him. His eyes are intense and fixed on hers. Caitlin's usual honey colored eyes are unusually darkened by the want filling her.

Caitlin kisses him hard and fast again as he returns the intensity in her kiss. His fingertips go underneath her t-shirt and she shivers delicately with his touch. Barry, hesitant to get underneath her shorts, runs his hands down her leg and stops at her inner thigh. Caitlin bites his lip soft enough to produce a slight groan from his throat. _This is her way of telling him it was okay_. Barry pushes her soft shorts and underwear to the side to feel how wet she was. _He couldn't believe he was doing this to her_. Still kissing her, her mouth opens up as her breath caught.

A soft moan escapes from her lips. He expertly finds her spot and rubbed fast enough for her to feel it, but slow enough to make her quiver. He gradually starts to pick up the pace with his fingers, which makes her convulse on top of him. Barry examines her expression changing as he is changing the speed of his fingers. Their eyes locked on each other, he can tell she was trying to shy away from his glare but he furrows his brows in an attempt to get her to keep looking at him. Their lips are barely touching and she is breathing heavily into his mouth. _She is close...from the way she was shaking._

"Fuck."

She inhales sharply and releases broken breaths as he continues to drive her crazy. Barry keeps looking at her face and when she tries to hide it, he takes his free hand in her hair and pulls her head back so she can't hide her face from him. He wants to see her face when she is finally ready to release. _He thought this was a jarringly intimate moment but he knew deep down how he felt about her._ His free hand moves to her lower back and he began to rub her back in a familiar fashion, letting her know it was okay.

Her movements on top of him grew increasingly jerky. Barry adds more pressure to his motions and he could tell she desperately wants that release that is inside of her. Her hips are jerking forward as he watches her face. Her lips part and her eyes slowly roll to the back of her head and close. A moment later, she pretty much collapses into Barry's lap, breathing heavily, while he continues to rub small circles on her back.

Once she catches her breath, Caitlin kisses him hard. Her lips crash into his and he openly obliged. He lays her down on the floor to get on top of her. He slowly kisses her, making it as slow as possible, especially for the fastest man alive. He feels her shaking underneath him as he presses his body closer to hers. Barry was almost bursting through his pants. He feels the tug from her hand on his pants zipper and he let her free his hard on. In turn, he slides her shorts off of her body and kisses his way back up her legs. _He felt nervous but was strangely comfortable in this situation with Caitlin. Everything was happening so fast there was no time to think about what they were really doing._

 _He needed to be inside of her, that's all that Barry knew at the moment. He couldn't think about anything besides drowning himself in her, losing himself._

He leans back over her and kisses her softly. She presses her hips up on him in a message for him to get on with it. S _he smells so good._

He looks her straight in the eye for confirmation to go ahead. Caitlin grabs his face and kisses him so softly, that he could have melted on the spot. Barry pulls his pants down a little bit, pushes her panties to the side, reaches down in between them to place himself inside of her and enters her slowly. He watches her face as he slides in her. Caitlin's lips parted and a shallow moan escapes from them. He doesn't move for a moment, remaining motionless for a little, allowing them time to adjust to each other. _She felt like heaven. Better than he ever imagined._ He releases a harsh groan from deep in his throat and presses his body to hers. Caitlin wraps her legs around his hips.

He starts to stroke in an almost instantaneous rhythm. Leaning down over her, Barry gives her a kiss and buries his head in the space between her shoulder and neck. Their breathing intensifies as his pace got quicker. Her arms wrap around him just like her legs did. His stroke gets deeper and harder with every passing minute. Her moans are constant and that was only driving him to go faster. She digs her nails into his shirt as he reaches her g spot with every stroke.

Caitlin tosses her head back on the floor and he leans up to look at her face. He watches her intensely as she bit down hard on her bottom lip in an attempt to stifle the noises she was making. Her core is _dripping_ wet and pretty much talking back to them now as his stroke remained strong.

He throws one of her legs up in the crook of his forearm and bicep and pushes forward, opening up her legs a little more. Her arms snake around to his lower back and her nails dig in ever deeper. Caitlin is writhing under him, not holding back with her moans anymore. Face to face, their mouths open and touching but they weren't kissing. _It was like they were sharing and breathing each other's air._ Caitlin moans into his mouth and is releasing his own groans in return.

"I - I'm g- gonna cum." Caitlin tells Barry breathlessly. Her broken cries are louder and more rapid. Barry looks deep into her eyes and reaches down between them and starts rubbing her clit, so fast that it's almost like vibrating because of his powers. Caitlin tries to hide her face in his shoulder but his free hand pulls her head back by her hair. He watches her come undone underneath him. Her mouth opens but no sound comes out of it. Their eyes lock on each other as she convulses around him. His mouth opens slightly with a gasp as he feels her orgasm around him.

Once she comes down slightly, he gets back into it. Faster and harder, she is clinging to him as he pounded into her. The two are moaning and breathing loudly at this point. Their shirts start to stick their skin and that's when he notices that they didn't even bother to take their clothes off.

He nuzzles his face into her neck and her into his. He bites down on the space between her neck and shoulder, _which would end up leaving a bruise_. A groan escapes his throat that had been threatening to slip out times before. She cums again, before he pulls out of her and releases himself onto her thigh.

"Sorry." Barry apologizes breathlessly for the mess on her leg.

She shakes her head in acceptance, trying to catch her breath.

They were using each other and they both knew it. Barry lays down next to her and pulls her on top of him. Like always, he rubs small circles on her lower back, easing her down from her last orgasm. Her head fits perfectly under his chin.

It should be more awkward than it feels. Somehow, it feels natural that they lay on the ground having just done what they did. He just fucked his best friend and they both knew they were using each other to forget about all of their problems. He knew deep down how he felt about her but he was unsure about her feelings towards him. But he wasn't going to talk about it now and ruin everything.

"Can I stay here tonight?" He asks softly.

She nodded, kisses his chest and got off of him to go take a shower. He watches her walk into the bathroom. _She has a cute butt._ He pulls his pants back up and lays there, waiting for her to be done.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11:

 _A couple of months had passed, everyone went to work normally. Nothing had really changed except for the nature of Barry and Caitlin's relationship. The two had still be fucking each other senseless almost every day. Any chance they got, they would wrap themselves up in each other's pain. Anywhere too. If they were alone in STAR labs, that's where they would do it. On the desks, on the beds. They still hadn't gotten around to actually talking about what was happening between them. He wanted to tell he how he felt so bad but he got the feeling that she didn't want to talk about it._

 _There was a tension when they were in the same room together. No one really seemed to pay attention to it, except for HR. Barry notices the way his eyes squinted when he picked up on a vibe from either Cait or himself. Other than the fucking and not talking about it after, they were still the best of friends._

 _He would linger on her a little longer nowadays, with a different kind of look in his eyes. It was a more intense look, a look of desire. She would return the same look sometimes and it took all of his strength to not want to ravage her right there in front of everyone. The way that they were using each other was helping them. Barry didn't think of Iris and Caitlin didn't think of drugs. He was moving on and she was moving on, and most importantly, she was sober._

 _Time for some coffee._ Tonight, HR was having an event in the STAR labs museum and he wanted everyone to be there so coffee was desperately needed today. When Barry would get coffee, he would see Iris there sometimes. He still didn't really want to talk to her. Today she was there again. But she was also with the guy he saw in his apartment on that dreaded day. _Pain_. Pain is what he felt when he saw them together. She noticed him walk in almost immediately. They always had a feeling when the other was in the room. It was like he had a Spidey sense for Iris, and she had the same for him.

Her face goes from a smile to still once she sees him walk into the coffee shop. He walks passed them and orders his coffee. He could feel her presence behind him as she reaches up to touch his shoulder.

"Hey Barry."

Barry gives her a short smile.

"How are you?"

"I'm good, just getting some coffee. How are you?" He keeps it cordial to not make a scene.

"I'm good."

He nods at her.

The amount of awkwardness between them kills him. He got his coffee and pulls her to the side.

"Iris, if this what you wanted, if this, he, makes you happy...I can't be upset. All I ever wanted for you was happiness." He surprised himself with the truth. If she was happy and smiling, that was all that mattered to him.

He continues, "I love you Iris and nothing will ever change that. But if I don't make you happy enough to want to be faithful, then I don't want you try if you're lying to yourself every day." He places his hand on her cheek.

"I want you to be happy too, Barry." She wipes a tear from her eye.

"Seeing you happy, will make me happy. Even if I'm not the reason for you smile anymore. I'll still be here for you no matter what." He sighs and looks at the ground, at his tattered converses.

"I'm sorry. I will always love you." She apologizes. _I guess that's something._

He kisses her softly on the forehead and walks out of the coffee shop. A strange sense of _calmness_ came over him.

He wanted to run to her. Not to drown himself or his sorrows in her, but to tell her how strong he was in the face of straight u, pure, unadulterated pain. He wanted to tell her everything he was feeling, everything on his mind. He felt at _peace_.

"Where's Cait?" Barry asks when he sees Cisco making some adjustments on his suit for him.

"I think she went home for lunch today." Cisco says without looking at him. "Whatcha need Barr?" He asks.

"I just want to talk to her." Barry ruffles his hair a little.

Cisco spins around to look at him.

"So, have you told her yet?" Cisco almost has a smirk on his face.

Barry looks at him puzzled at first but eventually knew what he was talking about.

"No." he says flat out.

"I think you should dude. I may not say anything but I am a very good observer. You also make it sort of obvious."

"How?" Barry askes panickily.

"You literally always stare at her. It's crazy that she doesn't notice."

"She has given me peace. That's what she feels like to me. Peace. Calmness. She is walking...serenity. A breath of fresh air. Like, you know when it's really really hot out and you get in the car and the AC turns and that air is hot too and you can't breathe for a second so you have to wind down the windows and breath in the outside air? And you feel like that air just saved your life. That's how it feels to be around her. Like I'm stifled, and then she comes around and I can breathe again. I know it's a weird example." He chuckles nervously at his embarrassing profession.

"Oh, you have it bad dude." Cisco laughs at his friend. "That was the strangest analogy for feelings I have ever heard."

"I know dude, it's hard to explain. She's like walking classical music." Barry laughs.

"Like hearing Fur Elise softly in the background while you're smoking a cigarette and reading a newspaper on a breezy Fall day. She has this calming effect on me. Or maybe like being cozy in bed when it's pouring rain outside." Barry nervously smiles and runs his hands through his hair.

Cisco just smiles and shook his head at his friend.

"Dude, you have got to tell her! If you don't I will!"

Barry shook his head with a smile and looks down at his shoes.

"You just compared her to oxygen and classical music in less than 2 minutes. If she really makes you feel this way Barry, tell her. I'm sure you will be surprised at how she reacts." Cisco smiles like he knew something that Barry didn't.

"Maybe. Maybe later. I don't know."

Barry pulls out his phone and texted Caitlin.

 _Barry: Hey do you want to ride with me over to the museum event later?_

 _Caitlin: Sure. Pick me up at 7._

"I'm going to ride with her to the event later."

"Oh so, I'm guessing there's no room for your good ol' friend Cisco." He jokes.

"I mean, if you need a ride -"

"I'm kidding man!"

They both laugh and walk into the speed lab for Barry to get some training in before they had to get ready for later.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12:

Barry brushes his hair and fixes his tie before giving himself a last look in the mirror. He sighs and puts on a little bit of cologne. It was time to pick up Caitlin.

 _Internally, he is debating with himself on if he should tell her how he actually felt or if by telling her, he would ruin everything. He felt as though there were so many unspoken words between them. He felt something when they were together, when they were having sex, it means more than either one of them were saying or even cared to admit. He felt it when he looked in her eyes. Hopefully he wasn't just making it up in his mind._

He heads over to her place and stops to pick up a single slower for her. Barry takes a deep breath as he knocks on her door.

"Coming!" He hears her shout from the other side of the door. He already has a smile on his face just from hearing her voice. His heart is racing, beating out of his chest.

She opens the door for him "Hey you made it! Come in!"

He looks at her up and down, eyes scanning her, drinking her in.

 _Her dress was red and it stopped right at her calves and a shall was over her shoulders. She had light make up on her face and there was a slight gloss to her pouty lips. Instantly, he was calm._

 _His head is spinning. Everything around him is moving in slow motion. She reminds him of everything beautiful in the world. She was cold like snow, but only as it was falling in the moonlight. Like the waves crashing on the beach during a sunset. A poem, she was a walking poem. A pastoral poem that simply oozed elegance and tranquility. The words from her were the only words that he wanted to know. She looked like she smelled like honey and pain combined. Oh, it was enchanting._

She stands there in the doorway, waiting for him to come in and say something.

"Barry are you okay?" She pulls him into the apartment.

He clears his throat. "Yeah sorry, you just look so amazing."

"You're not so bad yourself there Mr. Allen." Caitlin's lip curls into a devilish smile.

He takes her in again.

"Oh, this is for you." He hands her a single tulip he picked on the way over.

Caitlin takes it from his hand and looks at him softly.

"It's beautiful. Thank you."

They smile at each other.

"Let's go?" Barry suggested, putting his arm or for her to sling her arm through

"Let's."

He grew too nervous to tell her right then and there how he felt.

The event was a success, people were flowing in and out at a constant rate. HR was ecstatic and if Barry was being honest, everyone was having a good time.

"Dude, please tell me you told her." Cisco pleads with his friend.

Barry shakes his head.

"Come on. Look at her." They look at their friend sip on her champagne. _Beautiful. I know, Cisco._

He takes her in once again. Noticing that her smile sort of starts to disappear. _Her mood had shifted_.

"You should go talk to her."

As soon as Cisco says that, in walks Iris and her man from the apartment. Barry's skin starts to get hot instantly.

Iris walks in with her hand in his. She looks happy. A bright smile is cast on both of their faces. He says something that makes her laugh. _That laugh._ She looks gorgeous as always. A yellow dress made its way down her body and hit the ground like waves hitting the sand. _Barry couldn't help but feel a very small twist in his stomach when he saw how happy she looks_. _With him._ Iris makes her way around to them and said her hellos, including introducing _Sam_ to everyone. They look good together. Joe walks in after with Cecile. _Happy family._

This causes everyone to look in Barry's direction. He looks down at his empty champagne glass.

A soft hand touches his forearm. He looks up at the girl in the red dress to meet her eyes. She gives him a soft, comforting smile. _Calm._ She pours some of the special concoction into his champagne glass. She knows that he needed to get a little tipsy tonight. He chuckles softly at her gesture and nodded. He downs it in a matter of seconds and motions to Caitlin to chug her champagne too, so she does.

He feels the effects of the cocktail almost immediately. He widens his eyes and laughs. She laughs too.

"Strong." He tells her.

"Figured you needed some of that, after...you know."

"Thanks. I'm fine as long as you are here." His eyes get softer while looking at her. The cocktail seems to be giving him extra confidence.

She smiles at his response.

"We know what has me in a bad mood, but what has you in a funk?" He asks her, remembering her sad demeanor earlier.

She started biting her bottom lip.

"I think, being here, surrounded by everyone, is just reminding me of him. The last time we did this, he was here, next to me." She looks down at her glass.

"Oh...well looks like we both are being reminded of things we don't want be reminded of." Barry chuckled nervously. _What do I say to her?_

"I'll be right back." She turns and walks away from him.

5 minutes later, he finishes the other glass of the cocktail she made for him. _Where was she?_ He goes look for her.

He finally finds her leaning up against the wall in a dark hallway by the bathroom.

"Cait?" He calls her name.

"Sorry. The champagne has me all emotional apparently." She laughs slightly, wiping a tear from her cheek.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13:

Face to face with her, he could see that she was teary eyed but trying to hide it. _Breathtaking_. The glare is coming in slightly from the light from the party. It hit her face so softly and it was all that he could see, all that he wants to see at this moment. Her eyes are watery, but they are that beautiful honey color that he grew so familiar with over time. The beautiful sight in front of him was... _sobering._ He wipes the tear falling from her cheek with his thumb.

 _No words needed to be spoken at this moment._ She needs him and he needs her. She inhales sharply and he moves closer to her body. He places his hands on her hips and moves one up to caress the soft skin on her face. Her eyes close slowly as he crashes his lips to hers. Her tongue immediately slips into his mouth and he welcomed her with open arms. A soft groan escaped from the back of his throat. He feels a soft bite on his lower lip and it causes every nerve in his body to tingle. He presses his body into hers and pushes up her against the wall. _White noise in his head._ _That's all he heard._ His lips travel all along her neck and shoulders, causing soft moans to escape her mouth. He runs his hand along her side, up her shoulder and finally stops at her neck. He slowly wraps his palm around her throat and squeezes very lightly as their mouths explore each other thoroughly. They are completely lost in each other, _ravaging_ one another. Caitlin starts unbuckling his pants and bringing down his zipper, eager to get her fix of him. Her hand around his hardness starts to drive him crazy.

He pulls her off the wall and drags her to the bathroom. Locking the door behind them he pushes her back up against the door and starts hiking up her dress immediately. He takes total control of the situation and it only makes Caitlin want him even more. Barry is controlling her right now, but his touches are soft at the same time. Her dress is slinked around her waist and he wasted no time grabbing a handful of her ass. She pulls his pants down a little, giving him access. He presses her hard up against the wall and runs his hand across her wetness, making her shudder underneath his touch.

"Please." She pleads with him breathlessly. That's all he needs to hear. He throws her leg around his waist, pulls her panties to the side and slides in her perfectly. Groans escape from both of them. "God..." Caitlin says quietly as her breath catches in her throat. "I know... I know." He whispers into her neck as he fights the urge to not explode right there. It takes him a minute to get moving but when he finally does, he isn't holding anything back. Fast and hard, he strokes her perfectly, hitting her g-spot every single time. In and out.

They try to be quiet since they were in a bathroom and anyone could walk by the door and hear them. Their kissing is muffling the sound of the moans escaping from them. A coat of sweat starts forming on their skin. One of his hands return to her throat and he squeezes gently. He is so deep in her, he could feel her muscles constrict around him every time he hit her spot. Barry feels her shaking against his body.

 _By this time in their relationship, he knew how to make her get there and what her body did when she was close. She would always grab onto him when she was about to cum, or attempt to get as close to him as she could._

Her arms slung around his shoulders, pulling him as close as possible to her. "Ba-Barry..." She says in what seemed to be a broken cry.

"It's okay, let it out." He groans into her ear. He grabs her face to watch her come undone. Her eyes roll back and she shudders repeatedly against his body. He stops moving and bangs his fist against the door behind them in an effort to contain himself from releasing.

"Fuck." He groans underneath his breath.

"Are you okay?" She asks out of breath.

He kisses up the length of her shoulder. _He didn't know what he was feeling but he felt like an animal ready to eat its prey. It was probably the alcohol._ Without saying anything he throws her over the bathroom counter. She looks at him through the mirror and sees _pure desire_ in his eyes. His eyes are dark as he enters her from behind. Caitlin grips the counter tighter and lets out a soft moan. His eyebrows furrow as he watches her intensely through the mirror. Barry places his hands on her hips and went in deep, keeping his eyes on her face in the reflection. Harder and faster, his stroke intensifies. Caitlin's head drops as her eyes start to roll back in her head.

"I'm gon - gonna cum - again." She tells him through her moans. He strokes her harder and harder, making her move up on the counter, putting her hands out on the mirror so she did not go crashing into it. With one of her hands, she reaches back to try and push him back a little but he ends up grabbing onto her arm and easing her into not running from it.

He feels her muscles start to contract around him again. He pulls her up to his chest and wraps his arms around her body. "Im-" before she says anything Barry moves his hand down to her clit and starts rubbing while he was still stroking her, now faster, from the back. He watches her face through the mirror. Her mouth opens wide but no noise escapes from her. Her eyes are now fixed on him in the reflection . Keeping the eye contact, her orgasm crashes down around him. Not too long after, he pulls out and releases onto her butt cheek.

"Sorry." he whispers totally out of breath. He grabs tissue paper and wipes it for her. A soft smile runs across her lips. She is using all the strength she has left to hold herself up on the counter. He wipes her off everywhere, including in between her legs, feeling that she is still shaking. After making sure she was clean and not sticky, he pulls down her dress and fixes it comfortably for her.

She looks at him hesitantly as this is something so morbidly intimate for the both of them. He then fixes his own pants and shirt. He wipes the layer of sweat off of himself and Caitlin. She reaches her arms around him and places her head on his chest. He smiles at her and kisses her forehead, then brought her face to his, giving her a soft kiss.

"You can leave first, they're probably wondering where we are."

"Okay." She nods and heads for the door. Before opening the door to leave she turns around to face him and bites down her lower lip. He shakes his head and releases a chuckle at her cuteness.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14:

 _They were gone for about 30-40 minutes and everyone had been wondering where they were._ Caitlin returns first, casually sliding into the group with no one really noticing. She grabs herself a glass of champagne and leans up against the table they were at. Within minutes, Cisco notices her return and scurries over to her.

"Where have you been?" She notices that he was drinking a lot.

"What do you mean, I've been here." Her eyes nervously glanced over at the hallway.

"I could've sworn you went AWOL for a while there. Your face looks flushed, like you just ran a mile." Cisco shrugged and leaned up on the table with his friend.

Caitlin nervously bites down on her bottom lip.

Out walks Barry from the hallway. He scans the room and meets back up with his friends. His mood has totally shifted. He is smiling, bouncy, and back to his old self.

This catches Joe's attention. He scans Barry's new-found spunk.

"Sorry guys I went to go check on something I've been working on upstairs." He grabs a glass of champagne.

"Oh, you were the one who went missing." Cisco points at him.

"I sure did." Barry laughs and widens his eyes at Caitlin who was doing the same with her eyes.

He looks over at Iris and Sam and notices her looking at him. He ignores it for the time being.

He leans over close to Caitlin to whisper something in her ear "You look beautiful, by the way."

"What?" She can't hear him properly with the music playing in the background.

He leans in closer, she could feel his breath on her neck and it made the hairs on her arms stand up.

"You look beautiful."

She smiles shyly and turns to face him. _Their faces were close. Too close for the public eye. Too close for him to control himself around her._ He softly touches her lower back and smiles.

"It's true."

She downs the rest of her champagne. "Thank you, Mr. Allen, you're too kind." He takes a step back from her before he did something he would come to regret.

When he pulls away, he feels Iris's eyes still on him. He holds his glare with hers this time. For the first time in a while, he sees something besides happiness in her eyes. _It looked more like jealousy._ He didn't hate it. Iris feeling jealous over the way he's speaking to Caitlin. _Interesting_. Iris makes her way over to him and pulls him to the side. _She's got to stop doing this._

"Hey Barry, can I talk to you?"

"Yeah, what's up? Are you having a good time?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's great. I see you have moved on."

 _That's a bold accusation._

"What do you mean?" _Did she see them in the hallway or was she just jumping to conclusions?_

"Yeah…you seem to be happier. When I first walked in, you barely looked at me. Now you're bouncing off of the walls."

"Oh...well am I not supposed to be happy?"

"Of course, you are Barry...is it Caitlin?"

Barry smiles and looks at Caitlin from across the room.

"I don't think that this conversation should be any of your business honestly."

I know it isn't, I can't help it though."

He feels guilty for snapping at her so harshly, but he can't let it, _let her_ , get to him.

"Sorry Iris." He makes his way back over to his friends, leaving her standing there alone.

 _He didn't feel as sad as before. He didn't want to fight Sam. He didn't feel like running to the ends of the Earth to get away. He didn't feel like crying and begging for Iris back. He wasn't even comparing himself to Sam anymore. He just felt at peace with everything going on in his life right now. Tranquility. He had one person to thank for that. He loved her and he finally realized it. And no, it's not because his endorphins are tricking him into these feelings or because of the fact that they just had sex with each other. He loved her. He was in love with her. Desperately and cynically in love with her._

It's the end of the night and things were slowing down so members of Team Flash started cleaning up. Barry flashed around for a minute or two and all of a sudden everything was back to the way it was before.

"May I say, your powers are the best." Cisco chuckles. They are all still pretty buzzed from all the drinking throughout the night.

"Soooooo…" Cisco pulls Barry to the corner eagerly.

"Did you tell her man?"

"Um, not in so many words…"

Cisco's eyes squint at his friends' attempt.

"Why? Come on dude, time is ticking!" He shouts, drawing attention to them.

Barry tries to calm him down.

"It's never been the right time."

"There's no time like the present Barry!"

 _He is right about that._


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15:

 _There's no time like the present Barry! echoed through his head as they made their way back to Caitlin's apartment. The moonlight was shining tonight as he drove her car with the windows down, and the cool breeze was hitting their faces. The liquor had worn off on him already because of his metabolism so now it was time for him to face reality. He felt twitchy and nervous thinking about the dooming conversation he wanted to have with her._

She sits in the passenger's seat with her hands folded in her lap as she looks out the window. Barry fights the urge to look over and stare at her, for safety and pride reasons _._

 _The way the light hits her face makes her look like she's glowing. How is it possible for one person to be so effortlessly stunning? God. She takes my breath away. I literally feel breathless._

He's driving too fast, just like he runs, but she likes it too.

"So, what did you think of the event?" She asks him.

"It was actually a pretty big success, I'm impressed with the turnout."

"I know right, HR was really happy. It seems really important to him." She replies with a slight clap of her hands.

"It is, I guess it makes him feel extra important. Even if everyone is drunk, at least we're there." Barry chuckles.

Caitlin lets out a belly laugh that warms his heart. Her hands clap together as her head falls back.

 _It wasn't THAT funny. The drinks in her head obviously made that 100 times funnier than it was_. _Her laugh. She has the kind of laugh that made you want to tell jokes forever._

"Everyone had to be drunk to get through the night." She laughs through the irony of the situation.

A goofy smile appears on Barry's face.

"Your laugh is awesome...I would tell a joke to you all the time if it meant I got to hear that forever." He smiles at her as she takes in the compliment.

She clears her throat.

"Keep up the jokes then." She says as she turns to smiles at him.

He walks her up to her apartment as she invited him to come in and hang out before heading home.

"Sure." He feels relief flush through his body, not having to make an awkward excuse to stay.

He walks in behind her, feeling uneasy but calm at the same time. _She makes him calm even when he's uneasy...if that makes any sense._

"You want anything to eat or drink?" She offers.

"I'll get some water in a little."

"Okay."

He watches her grab herself a glass in the kitchen. She chugs her whole glass and fills it up again.

"I'm so thirsty." She says as she wiped the water falling off of her chin.

He chuckles at her. Gorgeous.

"I'm going to change out of this dress and more than likely take a shower." She smirks at him.

"I'm going to flash home and do the same." Barry flashes there, showers, puts on his sweats and hoodie, and he is back within seconds.

"That SO unfair. I took like 10 steps and you're already fresh and clean." She pouts her lips at him.

"It has its pros." He laughs at her whine and plops down on the couch, turning on the TV.

A few moments later, she returns, smelling like fresh lavender. He watches her walk to the pantry and grab some chips. She sits down on the couch next to him. She is wearing some cozy sweats and a big t-shirt and she still looks breathtaking.

"What's on?"

He continues to stare at her, tracing every outline of her incase this conversation they were going to have goes the wrong way. He had never seen something so perfect in his life.

"Barry? What?" She notices the look on his face.

"You just look really…adorable right now." His face flushes a red color.

Her face returns the favor.

"Oh stop, I'm literally in the world's ugliest outfit right now." She brushes the compliment off.

"Even in a sack, you'd look like poetry." His eyes start to soften.

She gulps and gets visibly flushed.

"Well...thank you."

"I don't know if I tell you that enough, you're so pretty Caitlin."

Caitlin's face is on fire.

"What's with all the compliments Barr?" She chuckles uncomfortably.

Barry keeps staring at her with a soft look in his eyes. He raises an eyebrow at her.

"You know, you don't have to keep complimenting me to get in my pants, we're way passed that." Caitlin makes a joke and laughs at herself to ease the tension in the room. He chuckles at her quirky assumption.

"You know I'd compliment you every day regardless of if I'm getting in your pants or not." Barry licks is lips and laughs nervously.

He feels his heart beating through his chest. _What do I even say to her? Is it the right time? What if she doesn't feel the same way? How is she going to react? These thoughts circled around and around in his mind before another word could escape his lips._

As she sits there with her honey eyes fixed on him, he moves closer to her. He grabs a hold of her hand and rubs his thumb across inside of her palm. She shoots him a confused look and attempts to slowly pull away from his intimate grip. He holds it in place.

"What's wrong Barry?"

He clears his throat.

 _Here we go._

"I need to have this conversation with you. I've been keeping something from you for a long time."

She tries to pull her hand away again, but he pulls back.

"Just...stay with me here. Please."

She relaxes into his grasp.

"Did something bad happen?"

"I don't think it's bad, but you might call it that."

She bites down on her bottom lip. He takes a deep breath.

 _Breathe._


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16:

"I've been thinking about this, about us, about you. About what we are doing, and how its helped us get over some stuff we have going on deep down."

Caitlin's widen in anticipation. He shifts in his seat.

"But this...us...it means something to me. Something more than either of us are saying. I know that you feel it to."

Her eyes start to water, tears teetering on the edge of her eyelids.

"Barry, this is not what I expected, I-" She starts but he interrupts her.

"I have to tell you the truth. Look, I've gone over how I would say this to you so many times. How would you react? Would you smile? Or would you run away? I- I am honestly so enamored of you. Completely. You make my head spin in circles...All while keeping me calm at the same time. You're my clarity. It's like coming up for air when you're drowning, that's how I feel when I look at you...when I see you smile. Sometimes I look around and see that everything in the world is ugly, but then you come in and bring beauty to my mind. Peace. So many things race around in my brain constantly, complicated things, but you...you quiet my mind. The problems, my problems, they don't matter, I don't hear them because you're there."

Tears start to fall from her cheeks as she brought her hand to his face.

"I don't know what to say." She explains.

He scans her face slowly, analyzing her features for the thousandth time in his life.

"Wh-What about her? What about Iris?" Her hand shies away from his cheek.

"Iris...? You know that I moved on. You know what happened. Why are you bringing that up?"

"Because, she's perfect...I'm not. I can't be like her. I have many issues and lots of baggage to deal with...I'm fucked up. Demons." She fidgets with her finger tips nervously in his hands.

"How? No one is perfect. Aren't we all unfinished? Don't you think we all need editing? Aren't we all just waiting for someone to read us? To tell us that we DO make sense? The imperfections are what makes us who we are, what we are. You make sense."

Her lips curve up slightly. Barry takes her face in his hands, forcing eye contact.

" _You_ saved me Cait. _You_ helped me so much after everything that had been happening. And I'm not even talking about having sex with you. You were there for me through it all. The _good_ and the _bad_. Even when you were fighting your own battles with yourself, you were still by my side. I never realized it until a couple of months ago and I am so sorry for that."

"Barry, Y-" He interrupts her before she could continue.

"And almost losing you...I couldn't have lived with that. You don't understand how scared I am of losing you. As a friend or more." He wipes a tear falling from her eye as one falls from his simultaneously.

"Barry, you helped me too. It took you getting to me more than once for me to realize that I had been going about dealing with my problems the completely wrong way. I was shutting everyone out from my life, but you forced me not to. I appreciate that...I-I appreciate you."

Barry flashes her a shy smile.

"I'm a complete mess with a shifty brain but all I know is that I just want you to be okay. I want you to be the happiest you can be. If I can contribute to any of that, even the smallest amount, in any way, I will."

"You do. You've helped me more than you know. You make me feel safe, Barry." She sniffles and presses her forehead to his."

He takes a deep breath.

"I really don't want to scare you away from me. If this is too much, I will back off." He brushes her hair behind her ears while they breath each other in.

She smiles through the tears running down her face.

"You couldn't scare me away if you tried, Barry."

He clears his throat.

"Caitlin, I love you."

She pulls away and looks at him in the eyes. Her mouth opens to say something but no words come out.

"I love you." He repeats and looks at her like a weight was just lifted off his broad shoulders.

"Hopelessly. I am so in love with you, I can hardly breathe sometimes because it is so overwhelming."

His eyes turn a shade of green that she had never seen before. She sees the genuine feeling in his eyes as he grabs a hold of her hand again.

"I don't want to hold it in anymore. I want to be there for everything. To see you progress. To watch you do anything honestly. I could watch you all day. You don't understand how much I've watched you. Not to sound like a stalker..." They chuckle together as he continues to ramble.

"I've memorized everything about you. Everything...From the way your hair falls over your shoulders..." He softly twirls the end of a piece of her hair. "To the way your nose crinkles when you smile..." He lightly touches the tip of her nose with his index finger." And that smile...that smile lights up my world." He slowly rubs his thumb over the corner of her mouth. "I even notice the way your hands fidget when you get anxious..."He gently holds her hands in his, noticing the way they fit perfectly together. _He wants to feel nothing else._ He brings her icy hands up to meet his lips.

"I don't really know what to say Barry. No one has ever said anything like this to me before." Tears still streaming down her cheeks.

"Don't you think we'd be ruining our friendship?" She asks him shyly.

"If we haven't ruined it by now, with what we've done with each other, I don't think we could do anything to destroy it."

He slowly brings her hand to rest over his rapidly beating heart. She feels the fast pace of his heart and looks him in the eye.

"Feel that? You make my heart beat this fast, yet you keep my head clear and calm. You fill something in me Caitlin."

A gentle smile grew across his face. _The smile that she couldn't get enough of. The smile that brightened up her day just a little every time she saw it._

He pulls her in closer to him.

"You are everything. You say you're not perfect, but it's the imperfections that make you just that. You're complicated yet simple at the same time." He smiles softly thinking about the little things about her that he has imprinted in his memory.

"You're a terrible driver but a great navigator. You know where you're going and how to get there but for some reason it takes you longer than you planned. You use words like prospicience but will still curse like a truck driver in the same sentence." She laughs out loud at his ironic analysis of her quirks.

"You leave the cap off the toothpaste and you text with regular smiley faces, not emojis." They laugh together softly. He pushes a piece of her hair behind her ear.

"But still, I think you're the most beautiful thing on this earth. Even when you just wake up, when you cry, when you don't want to hear it, when you don't believe it, I will tell you over and over again. And when you get tired of that word, I will read every thesaurus and dictionary there is so I can find the right synonym for beautiful because you are so much more than that. I've seen the best and the worst of you and I will choose both, every single time."

"I have never felt more at ease than the day I opened my eyes and saw you. I only feel at ease when I'm with you. This is going to sound very corny. But Cait, I want to be the air in your lungs that reminds you to breathe easy. I want to be the reflection in the mirror to remind you to love yourself. You're my best friend. When the walls come crumbling down, I'll be here. When you feel like you can do anything, I'll be here." His words bleed through her body like permanent marker on a white piece of paper.

Caitlin wraps her arms around his slender frame and squeezes as tight as she could. She wants to melt into him, melt into his warmth. He smells like the subtle mist of his cologne from earlier. She breathes in his scent and slowly releases her grip to look him in the eye again.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17:

"You keep me warm, Barry. Not only in regards to temperature. You bring this warmth out of me. I don't want to be cold to anyone anymore because you've shown me the warmth. You've shown me that there is still good in this world. Helped me not to give up. I don't know what would have happened without you." She tries to get the words out in a simple manner. His eyes soften as each word escapes her lips.

 _She doesn't talk about her feelings often, or as eloquently as Barry did. She doesn't like to be vulnerable. But Caitlin felt as though she had to return how she felt after he poured his heart out. She feels the same way, but in a different way, if that makes sense. She makes him calm, he makes her warm. Her coldness disappeared around Barry._

He looks at her like she's the stars in his sky. _She is the stars in his sky._ They sat there staring at each other for a little while. Barry takes this opportunity to take mental pictures of her. He watches how she licks her lips, how her chest inflated when she sighed, and how flushed her face looks. _Boy, do her lips look inviting._

She grows self-conscious of his intense glare and starts shifting on the couch. "You're gorgeous, don't hide from me." He chuckles at her cute attempt at being humble. Barry pulls her in closer so their faces were almost touching. Their eyes were locked in on each other as they embraced the closeness of the moment. Her eyes were that familiar color of light brown and when she blinked her eyelashes were the hands playing music with his heartstrings. His hand cups her jaw perfectly as he watches her eyes. Slowly, she brings her lips to meet his. _It feels like heaven to him. Instantly, he's wrapped up in all that is her. She tasted so good, tasted like the honey in her eyes and her lips were as soft as the flower the bee landed on._

Their kiss intensifies as Barry deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue into her mouth slowly. Their lips slowly slid against each other, not rushing into anything. _I'm taking my time with her this time. She's so beautiful, she needs to know and feel how much I really do love her._ Barry leans back on the couch and pulls Caitlin on top of his so she could straddle him. His hands run slowly up and down the curves of her body. They pause for a moment, foreheads pressed together, breathing heavily. Her icy skin against him felt perfect against the warmth that surrounded them.

"I-I'm scared Barry. I'm scared of this." She looks at him as she says this through breaths.

Barry sighs. "Me too. I know just how you feel. I'm terrified of these feelings."

They sit with their heads pressed together.

"But I'm in way too deep, I know you're here too. Don't run away from me." Barry pleads with her

Tears fell from her cheeks.

"I'm not going to go anywhere." She tells him.

He kisses her hard through her crying eyes. Her tears stream in between their lips, tasting the salt that escaped from them.

He grabs her face between his palms and watches he wet eyes. Barry slowly kissed her cheeks in an attempt to wash the tears away. She runs her hands on his shoulders as she chuckles at his gesture.

He lifts her shirt slight and runs his hands across her lower back, making her skin tingle.

She kisses him hard, but he takes the time to slow it down, wanting the moment to last forever.

He traces kisses down the length of her neck and down her collarbone. He lifts up her shirt, motioning for her to take it off. She complies.

He stares at her up and down shaking his head with a smile as he takes in her beauty. She reaches for the edge of his shirt motions for him to take it off. Caitlin places soft kisses on his chest as he removes his shirt. He brings her in close, bodies pressed together, skin to skin. He releases a huge sigh. _He loved this, he loved how she smelt, how she fit perfectly on him, how her breathing sounded, how she kissed him, everything. He loved her._

Barry laid gentle kisses across her cleavage and back up her neck. He immaturely left a hickey on the space right above where her collar bone was. A soft moan escaped her mouth as he did the same thing on the other side of her neck. He wraps his large hands around her waist and squeezed tightly, causing her breath to catch in her throat.

 _His eyes were full of want, but different this time. She saw something else in his eyes. His eyes were full of love too, softer than she had ever seen in him. It looked as though he was almost about to cry. She stares at him, wondering what he's thinking. The electricity between them was intoxicating._ She leaned down and kissed his lips softly. He deepens the kiss, their tongues exploring each other's familiar territory.

She feels a gust of wind and suddenly they are in the bedroom.

She chuckles to herself, shaking her head.

"Smooth." They laugh softly together.

He places her down on the bed and starts to push down her pants. Taking them off slowly, he kisses down the length of her long legs. She smiles down at him, trying not to laugh because the feeling of his lips on her cold skin tickles. He kisses all the way back up her body, lingering on the soft skin on her stomach. Up her chest, along her neck, and finally ending on her gentle lips. He runs his fingertips across her arms while kissing her, making her skin tingle. He takes one of her arms in his hand and brings her hand to his lips. He kisses along the length of her arm, worshiping her. She tries to shy away as she thinks of her arms as memories of her troublesome past.

Instead, he takes her arm and kisses every bruise and scar he can find on her flesh. He wants to erase every needle mark from her skin, every bruise from her veins. The tears start to well up in Caitlin's eyes as Barry grabs her other arm. He plants soft kisses on the bruises on her arms, trying to kiss away her pain. He looks at her as tears run down her cheeks.

Barry takes her into his arms and rubs the lower part of her back. She tilts her head up, tears streaming.

He kisses her lips softly before she could say anything. He pushes her back onto the bed so she could lie down. He kisses down her stomach again and slowly pulls her sweats and underwear off of her while she removes her own bra. He takes in her beauty, scraping her figure into the stone of his memory. _I'm so lucky._

He climbs on top of her and presses his body to hers. She feels his growing hard on in between her legs. She bites her lip in anticipation. He attacks her neck with wet kisses, licking and sucking on her skin. He feels and hears her breathing intensify through her soft moans. He kisses down her body again as she's reaching for the waistband of his sweats. He moves her hand before she could get full control. Slowly he approaches her thighs and softly bits the sensitive skin on the inner part.

She looks down at him, biting her lip, trying to hold back the moans already threatening to escape her mouth. His eyes are locked on hers as he gently kisses her spot. Her mouth opens slightly at the feeling of his lips on her most sensitive area. Suddenly, he starts eating her out perfectly. _Wow. Wow. Wow. He sure is good with his tongue. He knows all the right spots._ He slides his mouth and tongue around her with ease and comfort. Her moans grow louder even though she's trying not to make much noise.

 _She tastes amazing. He could do this every day._ He feels her getting wetter and wetter as her legs begin to shake. She looks down at him, staring into his eyes desperately as he pushes her closer and closer to the edge. He grabs ahold of her hand and intertwines their fingers. She squeezes down on his hand, hard. Her back arches as he finds exactly how to make her cum with his tongue. He keeps his mouth and eyes on her and she crashes down on him. _Why haven't I done this before? She's done it for him. She looks so beautiful when she cums._

She's shaking under him as he kisses back up her body, panting heavily. He has a devilish look on his face. She smiles slightly, watching him as he makes his way back up. He crashes his lips to hers, feelings her sticky skin against his chest. By now he was ready to bust out of his sweats. Her cheeks are a flushed pink and her lips are swollen as she tries to catch her breath. She reaches for the waist of his pants and tries to pull them down. He helps her out, growing in anticipation. _He realizes that this is the first time they've been completely naked with each other. Not that he wouldn't have gotten bare before with her, it's just that they've always been to wrapped up in forgetting everything that there was no time for stripping down. But this time it will be different, he would take his time with her._

He pulls her up on the bed, laying her head down on the pillows. Barry kisses her cheeks, cherishing her face. His hand runs up her cheek as he looks at her intensely. She's looking back, not shying away. Her hand moves in between them and she grabs ahold of him. He smirks at her, shaking his head slowly. She smiles at him, eager to feel him and moving her hand up and down on him. His smirk disappears as he gives into the sensation. He leans down to kiss her passionately.

Barry slowly eases himself into her. She feels familiar and new at the same time. It always takes some time for her to get used to him no matter how wet she was. She lets out a gasp that formed into a soft moan. "Barr-...Fuck..." she whimpers. He bites his lip and groans as he pushes himself in deeper. "God..." He groans from the back of his throat as he gets all the way in. She pulls him down into a kiss, grabbing on to the ends of the hair on the back of his head. He starts to move in and out of her slowly while they kiss. She moans into his mouth. He picks up the speed a little bit. _It feels so good to be with her. It feels just as good to take our time than it does to be fast._

Caitlin's breath catches every time he hits her g-spot. He's stroking slow but it feels hypnotizing to the both of them. He's found the perfect angle. He buries his face in her neck and softly groans into her ear. Her hands wrap around his back, pulling him as close as possible, grabbing onto him for warmth. Her moans were propelling him to go harder. Still keeping the same speed, he thrusts into her harder. Barry leans up to look at her beautiful face. His eyes hold hers. The sweat started to build up between them. He leans in to kiss her and he watches her eyes.

He feels her nails dig into his back every time he hits her spot. "Barry. I-I'm going to cum." She moans into his mouth. He keeps going, slow and steady. "Fuck!" She yells a little as her eyes start to roll back. Her eyebrows furrow as she releases herself around him, legs shaking. He stops moving as she tightens around him, causing him to moan softly. He pulls out of her, not wanting to reach his edge as yet.

He kisses down her shivering body and starts to eat her out again. Using his power, he flicks his tongue on her clit could feel like vibration. This produces another orgasm from Caitlin. She convulses as she feels extra sensitive to touch. After her third orgasm she lays there gasping for air as he kisses all over her.

He gets back on top of her and stares at her for a while. He watches her come down from her powerful orgasm. He cradles her in his arms and turns them on their side. Face to face, her cuddles her to his chest. Kissing her slowly, he wraps her leg around him and slide in between hers. Barry brushes her hair behind her ear, feeling the stickiness of her forehead. She kisses him sluggishly as she feels loopy from her orgasms. He chuckles at her slightly. "You're so beautiful." Barry scans her face as she smiles at the compliment. He places a few kisses along her face, chin and nose. They laugh together.

"You don't have to say that Bar-" Her breathes hitches as he interrupts her by slowly sliding himself back inside of her. He does this with a slight smile across his face. She buries her head in his chest and starts shaking again as he thrusts in and out of her. Their arms wrap around each other as they melt together. Barry moves to look at her face, pulling her head back from his chest. They kiss slowly, almost as slow as he was moving inside her. They could feel the sweat between them as they continued like this for minutes. Caitlin moans louder in his mouth, pressing her eyes together. His hand grips on to her ass and he squeezes hard. She grabs onto him tighter, letting him know she was going to cum soon. Tears start to form in her eyes. Barry holds her face in his palm and kisses her, driving her closer and closer to the edge. He feels his own orgasm building up. Tears stream down her face and he gets a little worried and slows to an almost halt.

"Are you okay?" He whispers to her.

Through her heavy breathing she nods to him and kisses his jaw sweetly.

"Good tears." She manages to say.

He kisses both of her cheeks.

He continues, building up again. He moves his hand in between them and adds pressure to her clit. She moans louder and starts shaking hard in his arms. She wraps her arms back around his shoulders, attempting to get as close as possible as she reaches her orgasm. Her mouth opens up but nothing comes out. His mouth grazes hers as his own orgasm threatens him. She inhales hard as her body trembles with pleasure.

"Fu-fuck." She exclaims breathlessly. Her muscles contract tightly around him for a while.

He buries his head in her shoulder, stifling his groans as he is brought to the edge. He slides out of her and releases onto her thigh with groans escaping his mouth.

The emotions swirling around the room are painfully intense. After he cleaned them off, they got under a sheet in the same position, intertwined and facing each other. He takes in her face as they try and catch their breath. Their eyes lock on each other as Barry rubs small circles on her lower back like he always has. She inches closer to him in an attempt to get warmer. They say nothing but they can read everything from each other's eyes.

He leans in to kiss her forehead, lingering there for a little while. _She smells so good, all of the time._ Caitlin is so close to him, caressing his arm. She's staring at his perfect face but feels her eyes getting heavier with every blink. She moves her arm around the side space between his ribcage and his arm. He's staring at her but it doesn't make her shy. She fights sleep off of herself. _Is this from the orgasms or from his fingers gently on my back? Whichever it is, it's like drugs._

He watches her as she fights off slumber. A small smile grows across his lips. Barry think to himself as he watches her lovingly and rubs her back.

 _I finally grew some balls. I did it. I should've said something such a long time ago. And she feels the same way… at least I think so. I could feel it. You could always feel it, even if they haven't said the words out loud yet. She's so beautiful, I can't say it enough or tell her enough. I'll remember this forever. I'll always remember the day I kissed her for the first time. That feeling… I knew it was me and her. It would be me and her as long as I am breathing._

He watches her eyes open and close slowly. Her hand softly rubs his side where it lays. Her eyes hold his as she drifts in between sleep and wake. He lets out a small sigh and rubs her hair a little bit.

He brushes his lips against hers and she barely has the energy to respond. Her eyes close and open repeatedly.

In an almost whisper she says "I love you too, Barry."

His eyes light up as he heard the words he already felt from her.


End file.
